Or so most of my spoken sentences have been today... At organ lesson, I couldn't even remember some of the very first musical terms that I first learned when I was 9... quite humbling, and verging on humilating. One thing this disease is teaching me is humility, and I don't like it... I wish that I had spent time working on humility when I was still fairly healthy, because this is such a painful way to learn it. And a frustrating way of learning it, too... It took me almost a week to write up a little over one page (double spaced) paper... I just couldn't get the words to the paper, and I'm still not happy with it. A few years ago, I could have knocked that off in about 30 minutes (and did several times.. lowest grade I got on a paper like that was a B). What hurts all the more is that I remember how I used to be... I am focusing on what I am now and comparing myself to the person I was in the past. I guess that I'm still grieving over the losses so much that I am blind to the things that I could learn and am gaining from this illness.
I could learn patience, especially the times when it takes me almost 20 minutes to get dressed because I have to rest between putting on each piece of clothing, or when I have to walk extra slowly because if I go any faster I fear passing out. Patience would also be useful when I am practicing a piece of music, especially a vocal piece, as I can't just go for 3 hours straight practice... after about 10 minutes (sometimes just after the first line), I am so lightheaded that I am shaking and I can't see. I have to slow everything down. I suppose that I could at least learn to appreciate the scenery along the way.
I could gain a greater appreciation for the sufferings of my neighbors, both right next door and all around the world. Granted, I am not in the best of health, but... those poor people of Haiti, of Sudan.... of any place that if someone has a cow he is very blessed. Even with all of my disabilities, I do have a roof over my head, food in my pantry, clean water, and friends and family who love me... some are even very supportive of me even if they don't understand what's wrong with me (they just know I'm sick, and that's enough for them).
I could even use my illness to gain a better understanding of Christ's love for me, for the whole world. How much more did He suffer for our sakes, out of love, out of the desire of not stopping until there was a way that He could open the gates of heaven to humanity? And hopefully with that greater understanding, I could gain a closer relationship with God, and perhaps even a deeper reliance on God. I used to be independant to a fault... asking for help was a show of weakness... any sign of weakness was to be stamped out and not shown to others. Now, I can't help but show how weak I truely am... I do try to hide it, at least somewhat, because I know it would scare others for them to know just how ill I really am, but when all of the color drains from my face (or I'll flush bright pink and red) and I start sweating profusely because I'm having a pretty bad POTS crash... well, I can't hide that. I can't hide how slowly I go up a flight of stairs, because I physically can't go so fast, and even if I could, I'm afraid that I'm going to faint, so I hold on for dear life to the railing (not that would matter even if I did faint, as I would let go of it).
Dear God, you know what help I need and what I need to learn... Let me learn it now!!!!
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