Christ is Born!

Glorify Him!  May everyone have a very blessed and a very merry Christmas.

Missing life

One of the effects of living in a body that is breaking down well before its time is that I am very, very aware of my own mortality and the fact that my life is extremely finite. I know that my days are numbered, and that even if I were to live an average life span, compared to the whole of history, it is but a drop in the bucket.

While I do mourn that which I will not be able to do, and all that I will miss, I know that my life is not my own. My life belongs to God, and my life is a gift from God. I know that my illnesses are a gift, a beautiful, wonderful and special gift that has been lovingly placed upon me by such a loving God. That my days in bed are NOT wasted time (unless I chose to waste them), and that the sufferings I go through is the means to my own salvation. I am sure, very very sure, that without these thorns in my flesh that I would have NO hope of salvation, that my own will and soul, being unencumbered by such worries, would be even more prone to rebelling against God, and would be more prone to trusting only myself. It is through these thorns that God is working wonderful things in my life, and that He is showing that His grace IS sufficient for me.

Silence

While it is tempting to just leave a "blank" post (and with the topic, it would be appropriate), I suppose I should, as ironic as it might be, speak a few words about silence.

I'm not just talking about turning off the TV, radio, computer, alarms, cell phones, etc... everything that can prove to be such a terrible distraction.  Because, while that would be quiet, and quiet is needed for silence; however, quiet does not always beget silence.  Silence, especially interior silence, is the fertile ground where one goes to meet two people; themselves and God.  It has to be fostered, culled, and repeatedly renewed, day after day.  In repeated exposure to silence, one meets themselves, sometimes for the first time ever.  I know my own journey with it has provided me with many insights about my own weaknesses; the root causes, and the manifestations of them.  It is here, too, that I learn how to overcome such weaknesses, or when that is not possible, how to live with them, how to be a whole person even with such a broken and sinful nature.

My encouragement to others is to find this silence wherever possible, and to embrace it, through the fears, the pains, the discomfort.... because it is through these sufferings do the fruits of joy, peace, and love can grow.  It is through facing one's own demons, to lighten the loads of carrying such burdens can one share freely those fruits with others, and can one more freely life a Christ-like life.

My thorn in the flesh is a gift

I am a Monk fan (that is Adrian Monk, the TV show... although I like the monks with cowls and scapulars, too, of course). So much that I was disturbed that it was ended at the 8th season instead of the 10th season (since 10 is Monk's favorite number... I should get a life!). In any case, one of the most frequently said phrases in the show was used to describe his OCD was "It is a gift, and a curse." It was a gift in that it allowed him to see even the smallest details that lead to the cracking of the case, but it cursed him because of the limiting of his function and the pain that it caused him (maybe not physical, but psychological pain can be just as debilitating).

I know that for most people in society, all suffering is bad and is to be avoided. And well, yes, suffering is painful, unpleasant, and I know that for me, a lot that I have experienced has been as a direct result of my own stupid actions and/or inactions. But not all suffering is bad, including innocent suffering. I can remember how much horror I felt the first time I heard that statement from my priest. He went on to explain that salvation came to the world through suffering (and well, crucifixion was no cakewalk, again, as Fr. has said). He humbled Himself, was born of a human mother, and lived for 33 years on this earth, in human form (I will get further into the hypostatic union, of His full humanity and divinity at the same time later). He lowered Himself to enact the healing of the effects of Adam's and Eve's sin on humanity, and to restore humanity to its original dignity that was lost by our first parents.

Because of His salvific act, He has invited us to be members of His body; some toes, some hands, some hearts, etc, with Him at the head. And because He has called us to pick up our crosses daily and follow and imitate him, that does involve suffering. His own suffering did cover the cost of our sins, but in His own generosity, like He allows humanity to take part in creation (through being able to reproduce), He grants humanity the ability to share in His salvific work, to suffer for the body of Christ, His church. From St. Paul's letter to the Corinthians: "Now I rejoice in what was suffered for you, and I fill up in my flesh what is still lacking in regard to Christ's afflictions, for the sake of his body, which is the church." The few passages before this verse, St. Paul has described how he as been beaten, chained, shipwrecked, half-starved, and endured many other sufferings, many things that I am thankful I do not go through. And yet, even after that, through the grace of God, he was able to pen such a beautiful verse.

And so, I know that I am not worthy of this gift from God, and yet, He is shaping me to be worthy of it, day by day, because of His goodness. And I know that it is through His grace that I am also able to join with St. Paul, and say I am thankful I am able to suffer for the Kingdom.

Spam, and inner silence

So, I suppose I have moved up in the blog world. Since September, I have received no fewer than 20 spam comments (all deleted before they could be made public). That my blog receives enough hits (and I believe it is listed at Blogger.com) to have so many comments should be a good thing, but it really only annoys me. Not so much just because it is spam, but I feel that spam is a really good representative of how difficult it is to find a place where there is silence. It is not just the spam itself that is the problem... rather is is merely a symptom of the problem. As CS Lewis, through the character of Screwtape said, "We will make the whole universe a noise in the end" and by making the whole world noise at the end, one is unable to listen for the voice of God.

Busy-ness does not equal action. Neither does being completely still, and listen for God speak in ones heart equal inaction. The person who has to just "stay busy" is no more active than the nun who practices contemplative prayer and Lectio Divina and who spends her days in the convent. And while fears and worries do still enter the convent (and actually, I have been warned that should I join a convent, I will be tempted more in there than I am here... which makes sense, in that the closer I am go God, the more Satan wants me back), in having space where one can encounter God, and hand any temptation and fear over to Him, I will be at least better equipped to deal with such things..

In any case, I cannot go out into public without seeing, and hearing, people caught up in the cares of the world (and I am guilty of this one, too), worrying about tomorrow, about health issues, about family members who are estranged, about work, about... well, worry, worry, worry.

And to that, I have to say, "Who by worrying can add a moment to their life?" And actually, it has been shown that chronic stress can shorten life-spans, so not only does worry do nothing about lengthening one's life, it can cut it short. These fears are expressed with the back drop of running cars, radios, TV, and other noisemakers. And I don't know about others, but as for me, I have a very low tolerance to noise and distractions. And that is when my own worries and fears and fallen humanity really takes hold. And why shouldn't it? Noise blocks out the voice of God, in whom I find my rest.

I do understand the resistance to silence, though, and for so long, I was not very thrilled with the idea myself. I have been told that in silence, there are only two people to keep you company; yourself and God. And as much as it is somewhat frightening to face God in such an intimate manner, it is even more frightening and depressing and uncomfortable in facing my own faults and fallen humanity. But it is in facing those aspects of myself, and in revealing them to God (not that He doesn't already know how numerous my faults are), He allows many graces to be granted to overcome such failings.