Conflict

I hate conflict. I really do. Some of my worst memories growing up involve heated "discussions" (yeah right!) that my parents had with each other, with terms being tossed that I am equal parts impressed and horrified that they knew. Watching videos of war torn countries, of so much death, despair and destruction grabs such a hold on my guts. I rarely cry... in fact, my best friend has seen me cry perhaps 3 times in the 5+ years we have known each other. But I suppressed crying such a long time ago, because I do believe that I could, and would, weep buckets and buckets of tears if I should, every time I was moved.

My heart aches so for the 9 year old and others that were killed and injured a few days ago in Arizona. Such senseless violence has the ability to completely kill any internal peace. I'm sure being completely glued to the TV for the first day did not help. The fact that from early one, people from both sides of the political aisle have used such a horrific incident to not stop and pray for those affected but to gain points in some meaningless debate and rhetoric. Lives have been lost. There is a 9 year old, who but for the actions of one disturbed individual, might have cured cancer or done some great thing... but above all was innocent and had many years of love to give... Her life was taken, along with a federal judge and congressional staff members, but ultimately peoples' fathers and mothers and sisters and brothers and best friends. And I don't know... maybe I'm just too sensitive, and maybe other external factors are coloring the intensity of my reaction, but don't you think that these so-called professional journalists could have shoved their speculations about how the position of the "other side" could have lead to this, at least until after the victims were in the ground?

I've prayed very little these past few days--much less than if the internal silence weren't so non-existent. I hope that the inexpressible groanings of my heart will suffice for prayer right now, because I don't have much else to offer. Maybe I am so especially sensitive to external conflict right now, because of great internal conflicts. Yes, you guessed it. Yet another "crisis of faith"... well, not so much crisis, in that I have no faith at all. But, I can't say that I would have gone to church anyway these past two weeks if I hadn't been sick already.

Things have become confused lately, and in attempting to seek clarity, I have become even more confused and conflicted. I have come to question things that I once held very dear, that I once had great union and loyalty with.

There will be more about this in future posts. I cannot speak of it right now. I only ask for prayers that I am able to follow God's will, whatever that might mean for me and ask of me.