One of my most prominent early POTS symptoms was severe mood swings with these "panic attacks"... All of the same symptoms of a panic attack, except I was as calm as I could be. I've only had one true panic attack in my life, and I was trapped in an elevator (damned claustrophobia!). I suspect that I have always had some level of POTS. I recall nearly fainting in elementary school gym class and being yelled at for sitting down in the middle of the class. Also, I've never been able to run that far (100 feet at most before something would hurt or I would nearly faint), and so I hated the races that we had to do in gym. I never won one, and since I knew it would make me feel ill, I just walked to the finish line, much to the chagrin of my teacher (take that, now, Mr. M! I'm not faking it to get out of class, and I have proof!). In any case, I also remember never really having good control over my emotions. I actually recall vividly one time slashing some stuffed animals I had with a knife (I was about 7) because I got really, really angry. Unfortunately, I eventually ended up turning the knife onto myself for several years (more about that later, and to keep you from getting concerned, it has been over 2 years since I have done anything like that).
I also have never had a regular sleep cycle. There are some nights that I've hit the sack before 18.00, and other nights, like tonight, it's already 0.35, and I'm not the least bit tired. I suspect that tomorrow will be a long day. In any case, at age 12, I ended up at a therapist's office for the first time. I still have a few scars from what was fresh cuts at the time. I don't recall the first time that I cut, nor do I really remember why, but I quickly discovered that this was a (very poor) outlet for the mood swings. A couple years later, I was put on my first anti-depressant, Paxil. I don't quite recall in what order I was later put on Prozac, Zoloft, Wellbutrin, Effexor, Cymbalta, Celexa, Lithium, Lamictal, Abilify, Invega, Risperdal, Depakote and too many others for me to remember. I was switched back and forth between meds for 7 years.
I was subject to many, many horrible side effects from those meds, too. Depakote kept me asleep for at least 15 hours a day. I don't remember much from my spring semester of Senior year in high school, since I only woke up long enough to move to another room or go home, and then fall asleep as soon as I sat down. Lamictal made me itchy, Lithium made me twitchy (I also got REALLY toxic on that... I couldn't keep enough fluids in me... hmmm sounds familiar :D), Zoloft made me an emotional zombie (and it also made me self-injure more frequently, as I was distressed at not being able to feel anything, I was ensuring that I was still alive, as it was difficult to tell at times since I dissociated alot on that), Wellbutrin kept me from keeping any food down at all, so I lost about 20 pounds in the month I was on that, and Celexa caused me to gain almost 30 pounds. But the one that tops it off is the side effect I got from Invega (which is a chemical cousin to Risperdal). I LACTATED... yes, I was a milk producing machine! I shouldn't have done that on Invega, especially since I didn't when I was on Risperdal, which has a much higher risk causing lactation than Invega, even though they are chemically similar. I also recall one causing me to faint every time I stood up. Before I was on that med, though, I had done that a few times, and at the very least, I would get presyncope every time I stood up.
About 2 years ago, I decided that I would rather die than take any more psychotropic drugs. I also had this feeling in my gut, that never went away no matter how hard I tried to believe that was I truly bipolar (I was never able to completely convince myself, and so I kept looking for answers, even as I was taking those drugs). So, even though I was on 6 different meds at the time (one anti-anxiety, 2 anti-depressants, and 3 mood stabilizers), I went off of them cold turkey (yes, before you lecture, I know, I know, not a smart thing to do!). After a month of hell (and yet some more time I don't remember), I finally started seeing the first few specks of blue sky showing through the fog of my existence for nearly 7 years. I was finally free! I don't think that it's a coincidence that I also haven't cut in about the same amount of time (I did once during "hell month", but none since then). I also don't think that it's a coincidence that I haven't had one "manic episode" or a "depressive episode" since then, either. It's been a great deal of time. If I was as badly bipolar as everyone thought that I was, I would have decompensated a hundred times over by now. Yes, I have my screaming fits, and I have my moments when I'm not coping so well, but I don't have depression as an illness... I have it as a reaction to other physical problems going on.
When I first read that mood swings were a symptom of POTS and other dysautonomias, I nearly cried in relief. Finally, I have something in black and white to point to for my "instability". Yes, what I can control is my responsibility (such as self-destructive behaviors... I've only written about cutting in this blog, but I've also had problems with eating disorders and drug use in the past), and that starts by taking care of myself, of not acting on such urges that will lead me back there again. While the mood swings were caused by the POTS (and some trauma... very long story), I chose to start cutting, to start starving, and to start using. Et ne nos inducas in tentationem. And, I must ensure that I don't go back to such behaviors again.
So far, I guess the score is Medical Field: -2 ("crazy" and gallbladder misdiagnoses), Ericka: 3.
One last note, I'm not knocking psychotropics themselves. I'm merely am stating that I shouldn't take them. I know several people who are unable to function off of them, but they can cause much havoc for those who don't actually have the disorders the meds are supposed to treat. For the former people, I'm glad that they are able to find relief from their own private hells, and for the latter, I hope they take the initiative to learn more and more and more, and to not stop until they have answers.
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