Of anger, pain, and grief...

Yes, it's been awhile since I've posted last.  I almost haven't even had enough energy to go to school, much less keep updated here, but now that I'm done with school (for the most part for awhile... I'm taking a summer class starting June 1), I have a chance to catch up.  I am somewhat ashamed to admit that I have been such a faithless bugger lately.  It has been over 6 weeks since I have attended a Mass, and I am struggling with even feeling repentant about that and other things.

The anger, that has been brewing since even before my diagnosis (but after I knew that something was wrong), has seemed to hit a high (or a low) point, and I have been acting out.  Like I've already said, it's been over 6 weeks since I've been to Mass, and about as long since I've really tried to pray or read spiritual works.  It has been a most distressing time to have all of my hope, both natural and supernatural, completely sucked out of me.  And although I know that if I waited until I felt like going back to that routine, I would never step foot in a church again.  And yet, I feel like the little kid who overhears his or her parents being sappy with each other (noooo!!!! la la la la la, I can't hear you, I can't hear you!!!) every single time I even think about it.  And I would be content (or somewhat not miserable, I suppose) if I never went back, but I know that I would miss playing organ too much.  I guess my friend E was right, music, especially playing organ, would get me back in church.

*sigh* Speaking of organ, and reading spiritual works, I was just discussing with a very wonderful friend (E, you have two mentions in this post!) tonight at how it seems with the POTS and the EDS (and everything I seems to get diagnosed with every time I go to the doctor... When it rains it pours!!!  I used to pray for a diagnosis; now I'm praying that I won't get any more) that day by day, another piece of me dies.  There was one time that I could play for at least 3 hours straight (with just a few stretch breaks in between) without even blinking an eye.  Now, it's a damned miracle if I can make it for more than an hour before my arms are screaming, and my head is pounding, and I am shaking from just the exertion from staying balanced and upright on the organ bench.  And reading... I would give anything to be able to read for more than 15 minutes at a time without something starting to hurt, or my vision failing to the point of being unable to make out the words on the page.  On several occasions, especially when I was in high school, I read at least 4 hours straight, or more.  No matter what book I was immersed in at the time, it was always a joyful and contented time.

So many of the things that I used to enjoy doing I can no longer do.  I know getting to the point of fiat voluntas tua, or "Thy will be done" will bring peace to my situation, but damnit, it seems the closer I am to doing His will, the more I get bent and broken.  It's not like I'm not bent enough already!  If you don't believe me, I have this one (or several) thing I can do with my arm.... :D

So, I've already established that I have a horrible amount of anger about everything.  I guess now the trick is what to do with it.  I guess that I've made the first few steps.  I actually spoke with a good priest about at least some of what has been going on.  Said priest also remarked that I seem much happier when I'm faithfully attending church (really, Father?  You think! :S:D) and that the longer I waited to come back, the harder it would be.  And although I do bluster every once in awhile, especially when it comes towards my feelings of God and church, I know that I am never more myself than when I am in close communion with God, who made me in His image and likeness.  

Maybe that's the answer to my anger about pieces of me dying with each day that I'm sick... that perhaps the things that are going are actually the slag, and I am in a crucible right now, going through purification.  That the end product will actually be a purer and more valuable version of me.  God, I hope that's more than just wishful thinking!