PAIN!!!!

Walking silently today has been nearly impossible and completely terrible. With each step, my ankles slid out of place just enough to slam back in place, causing them to pop. With each step, I sounded more and more like a bowl of Rice Crispies. As you can imagine, this is not the most *ahem* comfortable of sensations.

I have had several days of just horrid symptoms... my neck is spasming, and I have the nice occipital headache. I have burning, numbness, and tingling in my upper back, from my shoulders to below my scapulae, although today, it has spread to around t-12. There are many, many other symptoms (cardiac and neurological mostly), that I'm going through... that I just don't really care to inventory, as I am making an effort to not focus so much on what all is going on individually. I am to a point where I just don't want to know if anything else is wrong with me...

Not that I'm giving up. I am eating healthier, making sure to get as many needed nutrients through food. I am also supplementing with various minerals (magnesium and potassium especially). I don't have a specific exercise regimen, but I do try to walk at least 20 minutes a day, even if I have to break it up in time chunks (like 20 times a day, one minute a piece). I am working on building muscles to help better keep my joints in place (I hope).

It is difficult, oh so difficult, to not completely buckle under all of this. If it weren't for the grace of God, I would have already. I know that I am not the one that is holding myself up... I simply don't have the strength. It is through love of Him that I am able to endure this, and even at times find peace and joy in all of my ailments. I am blessed to be given many opportunities to learn patience, perseverance, humility, and so many encounters with grace through my illnesses. When I have days where I cannot drink enough water, I think of our Lord's words, "I thirst". When I have days that I cannot get out of bed, I am thankful that God has seen fit for me to be able to give my whole day, my whole focus, all of my love to Him in prayer, my mind in learning the words the Fathers in the Faith that were handed down two millennia ago. I am so, so blessed to have such a firsthand knowledge of my own weakness and my own need of God and His mercy. If I were healthy, if I had a body that functioned as it should, I am certain that I would not find salvation. I would not think of God nearly as much, and I would certainly be bold enough to proclaim that I had NO need of Him.

O lord Jesus, Physician of souls and bodies, may Thy presence ever be with me to hallow and bless this my sickness to Thy praise and glory, and to the salvation of my soul. Forgive me all my many sins and want of love for Thee. May I ever fix my thoughts upon Thy great sufferings upon the Cross, that I may learn from Thee courage and patience, humility and love; and above all, true submission to the Father's will, that, being restored to health in Thine own good time I may show forth Thy praise by giving up myself to Thy service. And grant that when this life is ended, I may be found worthy through my merits to inherit eternal life. Amen.