I have been in the midst of a horrific and violent internal war these past couple of months. I don't think that I'm exaggerating to say that it has been a battle of good v. evil. But, today, and just for today, I have reoriented (back towards the East, ad orientem) myself back towards what is right, good, and proper. After much procrastination and fear (alot of fear... I nearly puked on the way to confession several times), I finally am officially back in a state of grace. And, I don't really feel a thing.
I suspect (and it's been suggest to me by a few people) that I'm in a spiritual Dark Night (not to be confused with the last movie of Heath Ledger Dark Knight), basically where I'm flying blind in this whole realm of faith, and I don't have "feelings" or consolations. Where I have to stand strong on the, hopefully, firm foundation where I have placed my faith. Just because the evidence isn't there (or readily apparent) now doesn't mean that it never was true. It just means that my own perceptions have changed. And so I hope, and I pray (or try to, anyways).
The horrible darkness that I have been living with these past two months has somewhat dissipated. I guess now it's a huge blanket of fog, and it takes awhile for the Son to burn all of it off. I must be patient and I must keep faith that it will be gone soon enough.
I guess that I'm not terribly talkative tonight. I'm in somewhat of a monastic and contemplative mood right now, and it's nice. It's a somewhat calm and peaceful place, and I hope I stay here for a long time.
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