My thorn in the flesh is a gift

I am a Monk fan (that is Adrian Monk, the TV show... although I like the monks with cowls and scapulars, too, of course). So much that I was disturbed that it was ended at the 8th season instead of the 10th season (since 10 is Monk's favorite number... I should get a life!). In any case, one of the most frequently said phrases in the show was used to describe his OCD was "It is a gift, and a curse." It was a gift in that it allowed him to see even the smallest details that lead to the cracking of the case, but it cursed him because of the limiting of his function and the pain that it caused him (maybe not physical, but psychological pain can be just as debilitating).

I know that for most people in society, all suffering is bad and is to be avoided. And well, yes, suffering is painful, unpleasant, and I know that for me, a lot that I have experienced has been as a direct result of my own stupid actions and/or inactions. But not all suffering is bad, including innocent suffering. I can remember how much horror I felt the first time I heard that statement from my priest. He went on to explain that salvation came to the world through suffering (and well, crucifixion was no cakewalk, again, as Fr. has said). He humbled Himself, was born of a human mother, and lived for 33 years on this earth, in human form (I will get further into the hypostatic union, of His full humanity and divinity at the same time later). He lowered Himself to enact the healing of the effects of Adam's and Eve's sin on humanity, and to restore humanity to its original dignity that was lost by our first parents.

Because of His salvific act, He has invited us to be members of His body; some toes, some hands, some hearts, etc, with Him at the head. And because He has called us to pick up our crosses daily and follow and imitate him, that does involve suffering. His own suffering did cover the cost of our sins, but in His own generosity, like He allows humanity to take part in creation (through being able to reproduce), He grants humanity the ability to share in His salvific work, to suffer for the body of Christ, His church. From St. Paul's letter to the Corinthians: "Now I rejoice in what was suffered for you, and I fill up in my flesh what is still lacking in regard to Christ's afflictions, for the sake of his body, which is the church." The few passages before this verse, St. Paul has described how he as been beaten, chained, shipwrecked, half-starved, and endured many other sufferings, many things that I am thankful I do not go through. And yet, even after that, through the grace of God, he was able to pen such a beautiful verse.

And so, I know that I am not worthy of this gift from God, and yet, He is shaping me to be worthy of it, day by day, because of His goodness. And I know that it is through His grace that I am also able to join with St. Paul, and say I am thankful I am able to suffer for the Kingdom.

Better lonely with you than without

One of the things that bothers me the most about chronic pain and illness is not the fact that it hurts so much (although I would not classify it as pleasant, either), but the loneliness that often comes when I am dealing with others who are healthy. And most people I come in contact with are not anywhere nearly as sick as I am (and I'm actually very grateful for that, as I would not wish this on my worst enemy!) and don't even have the same frame of reference when it comes to dealing with pain (most people have to be put under to have a dislocation reduced... I self-reduce with no medication multiple times a day). Describing what I'm going through to others, no matter how sympathetic and willing to learn they are, is a bit like trying to teach others a foreign language we don't know, and we ourselves speak different languages.

I had a chance to educate my class yesterday (yes, my evil professor had class the day before Thanksgiving) a bit about what I'm going through. As this is a biological basis of psychology class, we are going over biologically based behaviors, and yesterday was the chapter on movement and balance (and there was great deal of the class dedicated to proprioception), and while I tried my best to describe what it is like to constantly feel like I'm weightless and moving even when I'm perfectly still, and how I bump into door jams and car doors and other people because I can't really tell where they are, and they tried their best to understand and asked very good questions of me yesterday, it was a bit frustrating I feel for both of us. And yet, I am thankful for that frustration in part, because since they don't have that frame of reference, then they don't go through this.

And that helped to add to the loneliness that I have been experiencing a great deal lately. Because no matter how hard I try to explain, and no matter how hard others try to understand, unless they go through daily chronic pain and debilitation, it seems to be an impossible chasm to cross. And even in dealing with others who suffer like I do, since most of the people I know are "cloud based", there still is a gulf to cross.

And then I reflect on the agony in the garden of Gesthemani that Christ suffered. He brings his three closest friends, Sts Peter, James and John (although they were not quite saints then), and tells them, "My soul is sorrowful even unto death: stay you here, and watch with me." And He goes off to pray, a prayer I often use: "Abba, Father, all things are possible to thee: remove this chalice from me; but not what I will, but what thou wilt." Fiat voluntas tuas. Lord, please heal me, make me well, don't let me suffer anymore! You are the Great Physician, you have the power! But, if it is not Your will, then help me to love You all the more, and to bend my will to Yours.

And there appeared to him an angel from heaven, strengthening him. And being in an agony, he prayed the longer. And his sweat became as drops of blood, trickling down upon the ground. Lord, I offer all of my sorrows, my pains, my useless body, my stained soul... I offer it all up to you, in consolation of all of the agony and passion you suffered on my behalf. Let my sufferings be pleasing to you, and send your angels to strengthen me so I may better show Your face to the world, whether I am sick or well.

And then Christ goes back, and He finds his three closest friends asleep! Asleep, even though they were asked to stay with Him and watch. "Couldst thou not watch one hour? Watch ye, and pray that you enter not into temptation. The spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak." And Lord, indeed, how weak is my flesh. So weak indeed, I am ashamed to show you my wounds for healing, but it is only through you that I can find healing, in both body and in soul. It is Your strength that will make perfect my weaknesses.

He goes back, prays again, comes back, finds His friends asleep again. Another hour of prayer, and then, Behold the hour is at hand, and the Son of man shall be betrayed into the hands of sinners. Rise, let us go: behold he is at hand that will betray me.

And so, with that, He rose, and willingly gave Himself up to be crucified for my sake, and for the sake of the whole world. He humbled Himself, wore human flesh, and suffered greatly, to repair the damage that Adam and Eve caused so, so long ago. May I show a tenth of that love to others!

"Dream a little dream of me"

A timeline of my activities for today: I slept in until 11:30, went to Oak Ridge with my dad for lunch, we picked up a few things from Wal-mart, I changed (with alot of help from my brother) my windscreen wipers and added fluid, and now I am sitting here about to fall asleep. I really, really want to go to Great Vespers tonight, but I am afraid that if I do, I won't be able to make it to both Divine Liturgy and Latin Mass tomorrow, even if I were to sit the whole time and use my handicapped placard. I am somewhat tired of being tired all of the time, and having to carefully plan what I do, and make decision about what to do (or not do) based upon my energy level and how much I fear that I am going to faint. Ok... enough pity-party for now.

One thing that I hear preached from the pulpit alot is dying to self... to conform your own self-will to that of God's will. Like a grain of wheat that falls to the ground, it must die before it bears much fruit. Though I am frustrated with this illness most of the times, I am am greatful for the opportunities that I am given for growth, for a closer relationship with God, and for learning things, about myself and others. I do not want this cross to carry, but for some reason, this is the cross that God has so lovingly chosen and placed on me. I cannot carry it by myself, and I cannot carry it if I am not following +Jesus Christ+, but in following Him, He can help me carry my burden, and I hope, and pray, that I will be able to help Him carry some of His.