Better lonely with you than without

One of the things that bothers me the most about chronic pain and illness is not the fact that it hurts so much (although I would not classify it as pleasant, either), but the loneliness that often comes when I am dealing with others who are healthy. And most people I come in contact with are not anywhere nearly as sick as I am (and I'm actually very grateful for that, as I would not wish this on my worst enemy!) and don't even have the same frame of reference when it comes to dealing with pain (most people have to be put under to have a dislocation reduced... I self-reduce with no medication multiple times a day). Describing what I'm going through to others, no matter how sympathetic and willing to learn they are, is a bit like trying to teach others a foreign language we don't know, and we ourselves speak different languages.

I had a chance to educate my class yesterday (yes, my evil professor had class the day before Thanksgiving) a bit about what I'm going through. As this is a biological basis of psychology class, we are going over biologically based behaviors, and yesterday was the chapter on movement and balance (and there was great deal of the class dedicated to proprioception), and while I tried my best to describe what it is like to constantly feel like I'm weightless and moving even when I'm perfectly still, and how I bump into door jams and car doors and other people because I can't really tell where they are, and they tried their best to understand and asked very good questions of me yesterday, it was a bit frustrating I feel for both of us. And yet, I am thankful for that frustration in part, because since they don't have that frame of reference, then they don't go through this.

And that helped to add to the loneliness that I have been experiencing a great deal lately. Because no matter how hard I try to explain, and no matter how hard others try to understand, unless they go through daily chronic pain and debilitation, it seems to be an impossible chasm to cross. And even in dealing with others who suffer like I do, since most of the people I know are "cloud based", there still is a gulf to cross.

And then I reflect on the agony in the garden of Gesthemani that Christ suffered. He brings his three closest friends, Sts Peter, James and John (although they were not quite saints then), and tells them, "My soul is sorrowful even unto death: stay you here, and watch with me." And He goes off to pray, a prayer I often use: "Abba, Father, all things are possible to thee: remove this chalice from me; but not what I will, but what thou wilt." Fiat voluntas tuas. Lord, please heal me, make me well, don't let me suffer anymore! You are the Great Physician, you have the power! But, if it is not Your will, then help me to love You all the more, and to bend my will to Yours.

And there appeared to him an angel from heaven, strengthening him. And being in an agony, he prayed the longer. And his sweat became as drops of blood, trickling down upon the ground. Lord, I offer all of my sorrows, my pains, my useless body, my stained soul... I offer it all up to you, in consolation of all of the agony and passion you suffered on my behalf. Let my sufferings be pleasing to you, and send your angels to strengthen me so I may better show Your face to the world, whether I am sick or well.

And then Christ goes back, and He finds his three closest friends asleep! Asleep, even though they were asked to stay with Him and watch. "Couldst thou not watch one hour? Watch ye, and pray that you enter not into temptation. The spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak." And Lord, indeed, how weak is my flesh. So weak indeed, I am ashamed to show you my wounds for healing, but it is only through you that I can find healing, in both body and in soul. It is Your strength that will make perfect my weaknesses.

He goes back, prays again, comes back, finds His friends asleep again. Another hour of prayer, and then, Behold the hour is at hand, and the Son of man shall be betrayed into the hands of sinners. Rise, let us go: behold he is at hand that will betray me.

And so, with that, He rose, and willingly gave Himself up to be crucified for my sake, and for the sake of the whole world. He humbled Himself, wore human flesh, and suffered greatly, to repair the damage that Adam and Eve caused so, so long ago. May I show a tenth of that love to others!