It is so tempting to slip into a deep depression about my disability, about the fact that I can't or am limited in doing the things that I once loved to do, that I couldn't imagine my life without doing (such as singing). I am actually tempted daily to just throw in the towel... "What's the effin point? It's not like I'm going to be cured, and I'll be hopelessly disabled for the rest of my life". But, though I have suffered with depression for other things before, I do not want to have that view point... If I should happen to fall into that, then it really will be "What's the point?" I am struggling to find joy in the midst of all of my suffereing with these symptoms and inconviences of being worried about what others think about me when I, a seemingly healthy and young 23 year old, park in a handicap spot, of not being able to plan things in advance because I just don't know what I'll feel like even from day to day (sometimes from hour to hour). I am very happy that I am Catholic, that I know about the Catholic understanding of suffering and of offering up those sufferings for the good of the world.
And I don't want to slip into a depression about what I can't do... Depression isn't fun and is some place that I never want to go to again... Again, focusing on what I can't do, and being too bothered about my symptoms (mostly they are more of a nusience than anything, with a few scary moments thrown in), is definately going to cause the depression. Another thing that helps is the Catholic theology of "offering it up"... offering up my disability and my pain and my fears to God... To pick up this cross (not the one I would have chosen, but the one that I have, for better or for worse) daily and try to follow him. And in carrying my cross, I help Him carry His, and in helping Him, Christ helps me carry mine. I see my illness as a wonderful opportunity to grow closer to God, the source of all joy, love, and peace. Since I have decided that offering up my sufferings is what I am going to do, I have felt, though not physically better, an increasing in the joy and peace, and love and compassion towards my fellow man (and woman.. :D) Yes, it does hurt being so vulnerable and so loving, but I am well to familiar with the alternative, of being so emotionally closed off that I couldn't feel a thing. I would rather have a million disapointments and hurts than to be that emotionally numb again.
Speaking of love, everytime I contemplate Christ's crucifixion, gaze upon a crucifix, I am reminded of His all-emcompasing love for us. He is God... with a snap of the fingers or a blink of an eye, His plan for salvation could have come, without such the heavy cost of His own human life. And yet, out of love, He chose to take human flesh, to know from first-hand experience what it is to be human, in every way, except sin, be just like us, and then to suffer so for the sake of our soul... In so many ways, my sufferings are miniscule in the face of His, not just with the physical suffering, but the emotional and mental suffering, so much so that He physically sweated blood, and begged the Father to not make Him do it... but in the end.. "Not my will, but Yours, be done." Please God, help me not only to utter those words, but to live them in my life. Dear God, help me to love You just a fraction of how much You love humanity. Help me to grow in that love every single day!
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