and yet, not so much... Ok, so I did almost faint while filling in for the poor choir director who was stuck with completely iced over roads. And I was very tachy, shaking all over, had a really bad headache, and was quite nausious.... But I made it to church, we did the Gregorian Chant propers (quite simply divine!!), and I wasn't too horrible on the organ... granted, my hands (well, my whole body) were shaking so much that I was having trouble hitting the right notes, but thanks to St. Gregory and St. Cecilia, it wasn't too horrible. Even though I could not receive the Eucharist today (a fight with my parents this morning about going to church took me out of a state of grace), I was spiritually fed.
You see, during the elevation, where Fr. says "Hoc est einem corpus meum", I was praying... fairly deeply. God, this is my body, broken and tired and sick, and I offer you all of it, of my sufferings, of my joys, of times where I can barely move in bed, and the times where I feel whatever the new normal is... it's all yours! Fiat voluntas tua!
I might not have much to offer, in the way of physical health... or cognatively, especially when I'm dealing with an extra-bad POTSy day, but I have been given enough, and I choose all... I choose to offer all. A thimble and a pitcher, both filled with water, are equally as full. One might not have the capacity to hold as much as the other, but both are at their full capacity. That's me... I used to be a pitcher, able to hold a great amount... about to do a great amount. And yet, I wasn't completely filled. In fact, I was quite empty. But now, I'm the thimble, and even in my smallest of thimble days, I am more likely to be completely filled. In some ways, I'm glad that I now have less to give, because it makes it that much more to give all, to offer it all up to God, in union with Christ's suffering. And knowing that, that I am close to Christ in all of my trials and sufferings makes it that much easier to go through.
2 comments:
I really like your thimble and pitcher analogy. I think it fits perfectly. Hope you're having a good health day.:)
Thank you... I can't claim credit for it, though... At the suggestion of my wonderful priest, I have been reading St. Therese of Lisieux's "Story of a Soul", and that analogy was in there.. not quite how I put it, but in a way that I could grasp and that has helped me tremendously, especially on the worst of days.
In her young life, she endured much suffering, but even though she left this earth in 1897 at the age of 24, there is something indescribable about her spirit, and the impact of her writings that endures to this day. At the end of her life, she endured much physical suffering as the result of TB, and yet was able to unite her sufferings with Christ's sufferings and thus was very close to Him. I hope to follow her example. I know that's the only way that I'll be able to cope with my own.
I'm feeling some better... I've been using electrolyte runner's gel (it has some carbs and more importantly, electrolytes.... I hate Gatorade, so these are much easier to use), and before I passed out while driving, I downed a couple of those, and I've been drinking a TON of water today (almost 90 oz, and yet I'm still thirsty). I hope that I will be better by tomorrow.
Post a Comment