Dealing with the anger from having my illness is a very important thing to do. I cannot give into the anger... I can't even focus so much on the anger, because well... It's not like going into a hissy fit about being sick is going to do anything to make me magically get well. And the anger and depression is NOT a place I want to go. So, when I am feeling the anger, I try to focus on how I can use this illness for good. My priest suggest that I read Story of a Soul by St. Therese of Liseux, so within the next couple of days, I'll be making a stop at the Paraclete (the Catholic bookstore in Knoxville).
The anger is mostly directed at God. I know, I know... if you love God so much, how can you be angry at Him? And that's a valid question. I am a weak human being (who is learning especially how much of a weak human she is), so because of that wounded nature, I'm bound to get somewhat angry. In talking with others, through confession, through writing, I am hoping the anger will become something that will be dealt with, and something that I can move past. I don't want to be an angry person, so I am hoping that this plan will work.
Perhaps the anger comes most from thinking that my life was going in one direction (that I was being prepared to join a convent), but now, being sick, I doubt that a convent would have me. Granted, I have not directly talked to a convent about the fact that I have POTS, but even if they would have me, I can't say that I would even go now... I would be such a burden on the other sisters and would not, I feel, be able to pull my own weight as far as working in whatever industry that particular convent does to support itself. My anger is at the death of a dream, of a wish, of a most ardent desire. So sue me if I am not a bit upset about that.
Again, though, I am focusing on I... me, me, me again. Pride is getting the best of me. I shouldn't be worrying about whether or not my illness will disqualify me from becoming a nun, because like what my priest has told me before... "God does not call the qualified. He qualifies the called". My focus has been all wrong, and I need to get back to focusing on serving God with all of my heart, mind, soul, and body. Having less to serve with my body makes it easier to serve God will all of it. I wish I could see that for the blessing it is. As the aforementioned preist has also told me, if God wants me to be a nun, then I will be a nun. In all things, I must be willing to say "Yes". Please God, make me willing!
2 comments:
I often think the anger is really grief in disguise. Grief for a loss of the sense of yourself. Grief for how you think things should be. Anger is a part of the cycle of grief that you need to go through to come out the other side to acceptance. I think it is easy to feel as if we are somehow less for feeling grief or anger when we are ill. Having worked with people who have horrible illnesses or who were dying I often feel as though I have no right to feel angry or sad. But it's not about who has a legitimate right to feel these things. Our feelings are legitimate, it's what you do with them that counts. I always thought I understood what my patients and their families went through. I know now that I can better appreciate their circumstances. It's a journey and I know I am no where near the end.
I hope that you can find a way to enter the convent and continue your dreams. I think that whatever happens that sense of dedication and compassion you obviously have will find it's outlet.
Michelle :)
Michelle,
Thank you so much for your kind comments. I do think that I am having a difficult time with the grief right now. Having lost several close relatives (two last year within 22 days), I can recognize the fact that I'm grieving. I am trying to focus on what I'm greatful for... and what I'm actually gaining from my illness. I have a wonderful chance to grow closer to God, to become more reliant upon Him. I know that I'll be given chances to learn and grow from this, to grow in knowledge about myself and to grow in compassion towards others.
Luckily, I am looking at more contemplative cloistered convents, so, depending on the specific convent, the physical demands are less. Plus, I know there are certain jobs in convents that needs to be done that aren't as physically demanding (such as librarian, music director [which is my ultimate hope, convent or not], sacrastian...etc). I will soon be writing the convents I have been in contact with to let them know of my diagnosis, to see if they are still willing to work with and consider me as a candidate, as I see if I can still work with them and consider them as a candidate for me.
I am still hanging in there. I do have some times where I am barely hanging by a thread, but hanging in there I am. God has so blessed me, not only with people in real life who are so supportive (the aforementioned priest is definately one of them) and wonderful, but people online, in the various forums and blogs.
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