Snow and pain

I love snow, I really do. I think it is beautiful, and I love how falling snow covers the whole earth in silence (but I'm a very big fan of silence). I could write odes upon odes to snow and still not cover my love for it.

However, I am NOT a fan of the resulting pain that sinks deep into my bones and lingers and nearly takes a life of its own. I hate the bitter, hateful, and angry person I become when pain takes hold, and I especially abhor the nasty and mean words that I don't even think twice about flinging upon others. I know pain affects my bp and pulse rate, and I know that it is so difficult to be in control of my actions when I cannot even control the pain that well or get enough blood to my brain so I can actually have some control of my cognition. I think it is the lack of control that scares me the most... and I lash out in anger.

I do this the most when I am the most lax with prayer, and when I fail the most at constantly remembering God's presence. And, well, with the few brain cells I have left, my mind certainly is unable to be left alone, to drown in my own wounded passions. I need to have a constant remembering of Him whose image is imprinted into my very soul. To cooperate with this transformation, of being made into His likeness, because it is only when I am in His likeness am I most truly myself. Pride tries (and manages at times) to convince me otherwise. That I don't need Him, and I can manage by myself. It is the moments of clarity that I begin to realize just how insignificant and small that I am. And yet, because of His love, I am significant... Beautiful paradox!

O Heavenly King, Comforter, Spirit of Truth, Who art everywhere present and fillest all things, Treasury of good things, and Giver of life: come and abide in us, and cleanse us from every sin, and save our souls, O Good One!

Spam, and inner silence

So, I suppose I have moved up in the blog world. Since September, I have received no fewer than 20 spam comments (all deleted before they could be made public). That my blog receives enough hits (and I believe it is listed at Blogger.com) to have so many comments should be a good thing, but it really only annoys me. Not so much just because it is spam, but I feel that spam is a really good representative of how difficult it is to find a place where there is silence. It is not just the spam itself that is the problem... rather is is merely a symptom of the problem. As CS Lewis, through the character of Screwtape said, "We will make the whole universe a noise in the end" and by making the whole world noise at the end, one is unable to listen for the voice of God.

Busy-ness does not equal action. Neither does being completely still, and listen for God speak in ones heart equal inaction. The person who has to just "stay busy" is no more active than the nun who practices contemplative prayer and Lectio Divina and who spends her days in the convent. And while fears and worries do still enter the convent (and actually, I have been warned that should I join a convent, I will be tempted more in there than I am here... which makes sense, in that the closer I am go God, the more Satan wants me back), in having space where one can encounter God, and hand any temptation and fear over to Him, I will be at least better equipped to deal with such things..

In any case, I cannot go out into public without seeing, and hearing, people caught up in the cares of the world (and I am guilty of this one, too), worrying about tomorrow, about health issues, about family members who are estranged, about work, about... well, worry, worry, worry.

And to that, I have to say, "Who by worrying can add a moment to their life?" And actually, it has been shown that chronic stress can shorten life-spans, so not only does worry do nothing about lengthening one's life, it can cut it short. These fears are expressed with the back drop of running cars, radios, TV, and other noisemakers. And I don't know about others, but as for me, I have a very low tolerance to noise and distractions. And that is when my own worries and fears and fallen humanity really takes hold. And why shouldn't it? Noise blocks out the voice of God, in whom I find my rest.

I do understand the resistance to silence, though, and for so long, I was not very thrilled with the idea myself. I have been told that in silence, there are only two people to keep you company; yourself and God. And as much as it is somewhat frightening to face God in such an intimate manner, it is even more frightening and depressing and uncomfortable in facing my own faults and fallen humanity. But it is in facing those aspects of myself, and in revealing them to God (not that He doesn't already know how numerous my faults are), He allows many graces to be granted to overcome such failings.

Better lonely with you than without

One of the things that bothers me the most about chronic pain and illness is not the fact that it hurts so much (although I would not classify it as pleasant, either), but the loneliness that often comes when I am dealing with others who are healthy. And most people I come in contact with are not anywhere nearly as sick as I am (and I'm actually very grateful for that, as I would not wish this on my worst enemy!) and don't even have the same frame of reference when it comes to dealing with pain (most people have to be put under to have a dislocation reduced... I self-reduce with no medication multiple times a day). Describing what I'm going through to others, no matter how sympathetic and willing to learn they are, is a bit like trying to teach others a foreign language we don't know, and we ourselves speak different languages.

I had a chance to educate my class yesterday (yes, my evil professor had class the day before Thanksgiving) a bit about what I'm going through. As this is a biological basis of psychology class, we are going over biologically based behaviors, and yesterday was the chapter on movement and balance (and there was great deal of the class dedicated to proprioception), and while I tried my best to describe what it is like to constantly feel like I'm weightless and moving even when I'm perfectly still, and how I bump into door jams and car doors and other people because I can't really tell where they are, and they tried their best to understand and asked very good questions of me yesterday, it was a bit frustrating I feel for both of us. And yet, I am thankful for that frustration in part, because since they don't have that frame of reference, then they don't go through this.

And that helped to add to the loneliness that I have been experiencing a great deal lately. Because no matter how hard I try to explain, and no matter how hard others try to understand, unless they go through daily chronic pain and debilitation, it seems to be an impossible chasm to cross. And even in dealing with others who suffer like I do, since most of the people I know are "cloud based", there still is a gulf to cross.

And then I reflect on the agony in the garden of Gesthemani that Christ suffered. He brings his three closest friends, Sts Peter, James and John (although they were not quite saints then), and tells them, "My soul is sorrowful even unto death: stay you here, and watch with me." And He goes off to pray, a prayer I often use: "Abba, Father, all things are possible to thee: remove this chalice from me; but not what I will, but what thou wilt." Fiat voluntas tuas. Lord, please heal me, make me well, don't let me suffer anymore! You are the Great Physician, you have the power! But, if it is not Your will, then help me to love You all the more, and to bend my will to Yours.

And there appeared to him an angel from heaven, strengthening him. And being in an agony, he prayed the longer. And his sweat became as drops of blood, trickling down upon the ground. Lord, I offer all of my sorrows, my pains, my useless body, my stained soul... I offer it all up to you, in consolation of all of the agony and passion you suffered on my behalf. Let my sufferings be pleasing to you, and send your angels to strengthen me so I may better show Your face to the world, whether I am sick or well.

And then Christ goes back, and He finds his three closest friends asleep! Asleep, even though they were asked to stay with Him and watch. "Couldst thou not watch one hour? Watch ye, and pray that you enter not into temptation. The spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak." And Lord, indeed, how weak is my flesh. So weak indeed, I am ashamed to show you my wounds for healing, but it is only through you that I can find healing, in both body and in soul. It is Your strength that will make perfect my weaknesses.

He goes back, prays again, comes back, finds His friends asleep again. Another hour of prayer, and then, Behold the hour is at hand, and the Son of man shall be betrayed into the hands of sinners. Rise, let us go: behold he is at hand that will betray me.

And so, with that, He rose, and willingly gave Himself up to be crucified for my sake, and for the sake of the whole world. He humbled Himself, wore human flesh, and suffered greatly, to repair the damage that Adam and Eve caused so, so long ago. May I show a tenth of that love to others!