In so many ways, I wish that I didn't have such a strong will. Even though intellectually, I am willing to make a sacrifice and an offering of all of my pains and sorrows and everything that comes along with the EDS and the POTS, and offering of my anger and anguish that also has accompanied everything as of late. And yet, because of my strong will... my stubbornness, I suppose, I am fighting this whole concept like crazy.
Yes, the Cross was NOT a cakewalk. And if I am to follow Christ, I am to pick my own cross up every single day and follow him. And yes, even if I don't follow Christ with my pain and other difficulties, I will still experience them very acutely, and perhaps even worse, since I will be dealing with them alone. So, why the hesitance to offer this up? Perhaps there is a great deal of anger going along with this. I don't really know.
I do know, though, there is a great deal of difference between being faithful and feeling faithful. As I'm writing this, I am planning my clothes to wear to church today, trying to remember what I'm singing with the choir, and... basically, I'm on my way to church, and I will be there baring anything unforeseen. And, Lord give me the graces needed, I will be there, week after week, holy day of obligation after holy day of obligation, whether I "feel" like it or not.
1 comment:
Ericka,
I'm saying a prayer of strength and encouragement for you this morning...thanks for your raw honesty in this post. I know so many people, like me, will identify with what you've shared. And such truth as yours is a beautiful way to narrow the gap between anger and God. My Dad always told me, "God's huge, He can handle your anger and anything else you got, kid. So bring it on and let Him take it from there."
Hugs,
Lucy
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